Fancy ‘shrooms on Toast

No Satisfaction

Today, as everyday, I woke up with my three year old’s foot dangerously close to my face.  Over the last few months he has taken to co-sleeping like a precious newborn.  Only he’s huge.  At first, The Hubbs and I diligently took turns to return him to his own bed so that we could retain the majesty of our marital bed.  At times this would require two to three “get-ups” each.  The result was interrupted and unsatisfactory sleep for all.  But them’s the rules, right? Never give a toddler an inch or you’ll remain sexless in your own bed for a lifetime.  It got to the point where we were actually anticipating his tip-toeing into our room at night.  He’d move quickly and silently from his bedroom to ours and slowly open the door, eventually peering round the corner like “Here’s Johnny!”.  He almost caught us out once, which was enough to put us off our grown-up wrestling for a week or so.  Never seen The Hubbs dismount so fast, Simone Biles would have been proud!  After a couple of months of frustration on all sides, I decided to sod the parenting books and let the little b*gger sleep in our bed.  Reluctantly at first, but when I realised that all three of us could quite happily co-habit our king-size and catch some relatively good quality zzzzzz’s, I gave in.  Most nights now he doesn’t even wake me up, he just snuggles up beside us and gets on with it.

Advantage- The Boy!

One advantage is that I get to wake up to cuddles (minus the dreaded morning breath) every day.  Boys are definitely more loving than girls, as far as I can tell.  I get to snuggle and he gets to babble and we have a mutual mother-son love in before the manic morning rush ensues.  Well today was no different and The Boy was yapping merrily away when he shocked me.  I asked him what he wanted on his sandwich for lunch and he replied “Tuna”.  Hairy muff.  I then asked him would he like brown or white bread, knowing full well what he would say.  “White please, I don’t like brown”.  That was as expected and it would have been ok if he stopped there.  Sadly he didn’t. “Brown is bad.  Brown everything is bad!”.  Now this isn’t the first time I have heard statements such as these, I am a woman of the world, a black one at that.  Aha, an excellent parenting opportunity methinks!

“Not everything brown, surely.  You like chocolate, chocloate’s brown!”

“Brown chocolate is yucky.”

“What about brown people?  You like Grandma and Grandpa and they’re brown.  What about me, you like me and I’m brown.”

“I only like peach people with peach skin, like me and Daddy!”

“So you don’t like me then?”


Hmmm.  I was tempted to carry on and argue the toss with his warped three year old mind, but then I thought “F*ck it, he’ll learn!”.  So instead I decided to cheer myself up with an indulgent lunch, which is when I came up with this.  I can’t claim that it’s a recipe, certainly not a complicated one, but it is truly delicious.  And if this can make me laugh about living in a house with a three year old racist, then it’s got to be worth a shot, right?

Posh ‘shrooms on Toast


Serves 2

4 thick slices of brioche loaf

Philadelphia cream cheese

250g Portobello mushrooms, sliced

1/2 red onion, finely diced

4-6 rashers good quality smoked streaky bacon

Chives or something else green to garnish

Knob of butter, for frying

Maple syrup, to taste


Begin by frying the bacon rashers in a pan until cooked but not too crispy.  Remove from the pan and sit on a plate with kitchen roll to absorb the excess grease.  In the same pan, gently fry the onions in the butter over a medium-high  heat.  You want them lightly caramelised but still retaining their moisture.  After a minute, add the mushrooms into the pan.  Fry until lightly golden, adding more butter if necessary.  In the meantime, lightly toast the brioche slices until they are gently golden on both sides.

Laying the toast on a large plate, spread with a thick serving of cream cheese.  Layer the mushroom and onion mixture on the brioche, then top with 2-3 rashers of bacon per person.  Season with a little salt and pepper and then top with chopped chives or coriander to garnish.  Finaly drizze a little sweet maple syrup on your delicious creation just before serving. Et voila!